Schooldays, Playing Truant, and ignoring feelings

I moved from my primary school to secondary school in September 1972. I was a September baby so I was eleven, almost twelve before I moved to high school. The school I went to was North Manchester High school for Boys. A strange choice you may think, but I did everything I could to take my mind of my internal conflict and all I saw was playing fields and grass, something not seen at my concrete primary school. I loved the fact that it looked so colourful compared to the redbrick and grey of my Junior school.

I tried taking my mind of internal conflicts with activities almost every day. I did sound, lighting, set painting with a local dance group at their regular rehearsals, as well as attending one of their many visiting shows to do sound at weekends. My mother had taken me to dance class as a five year old, but terrible shyness meant I only went to one or two sessions. Other activities included St John Ambulance Brigade, one night for training and practice, and the rest of the time doing public duties, and as well as the youth club, I also did some DJ work for members of the dancing group due to my large collection of records and my twin turntables and a monthly youth club disco.

At school though, I had too much time to think. I was good at English but was always marked down for my poor handwriting. I hated Maths. I was always good at arithmetic at primary school, but Maths is an altogether different thing. I could never memorise formula for things like trigonometry, calculus, and advanced algebra. I was in the O level set for Maths, was downgraded to CSE for playing truant during maths lessons and although I came top of the class and the teacher wanted to move me back up to the O level group, I refused, threatening to truant again if I was moved. The Teacher of the O level group was a rugby playing bully who used corporal punishment freely. I enjoyed Physics and History, but hate the way they only concentrate on certain aspects of history. It's as if they wish to bore students into submission. I also enjoyed driving which we were allowed to do from age 14, but only in the school grounds. I quite liked social science too as it meant I had a chance to feed the chickens and collect the eggs. For PE and sports, I always chose the option for cross-country running as it allowed me off school grounds and to be by myself.

Just before Easter of my first year, I saw a film at the Cinema. It was called S.W.A.L.K (Known as Melody in the rest of the world). It starred Mark Lester and Jack Wild from Oliver! and a host of stars who were well known at the time. It was a story of first love by a couple of 11 year olds. One scene in the film saw Latimer and Melody play truant for a day at the seaside. A few days later, I played truant for the first time in my school career, cashed in my post-office saving stamps of four pounds and went to Blackpool for the day. The train fare was 50p return.

The journey there and back as well as a day at the funfair and on the golden mile gave me time to think. The next day, I didn't return to school, I headed for Manchester Central Library. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I'd had these feelings inside since I was just a toddler. Somebody in school had had the S*n Newspaper and it had referred to what they called a "sex-change". The kids were laughing at the story, but I now knew something about the way I felt. I tried all sorts of terms during my searches such as sex-change and a word I had heard somewhere of Eonism. A couple of hours later I had found nothing, and then I found a psychology book that contained two single paragraphs with a brief description of Transvestism and Transsexualism. I had found what I was looking for. I'm ashamed to say, I tore the page out of the book and kept it hidden at home so I could look at it anytime I needed to.

The next day was the last of term before the Easter break and I went again to the Library. I tried looking through other books and even scanning the months newspapers to see if I could find any more stories of people like me, but no luck. Now I could have returned to School after the holidays and my truanting may have been forgotten but I didn't. I had two more days off before I was caught out when I bumped into my mother on a bus I boarded. Oops.

I was taken to school the next day and after a talking to by the deputy Head, was allowed to return to classes. I didn't play truant again that year.

The next year, the inner turmoil, and the fact that I was at a boys school led me to truant again. I was away from school more than I was there. I would always get off the school bus at hospital, go through one gate and out the other before catching another bus to the city centre. I headed to Piccadilly Piazza to a bench near Piccadilly Radio where I would sit and read the newspaper and sometimes do the crossword. Then I would head to the library where I read all types of books. I never did badly in exams, my favourite part of school, because I was quite intelligent in some ways, whilst being immature in others so never did badly in exams apart from one subject I found boring as heck, Geology. I remember coming 13th in one exam for Geology out of a class of 14 and the only reason I didn't come 14th was because one student was sick and didn't attend the exam.

I got into so much trouble for playing truant from school that eventually, I got too frightened to go home at night and started sleeping rough. I couldn't tell people the real reasons why I hated school. This was the 1970s and people just didn't talk about things like this did they? I was placed under an educational social worker. I used to attend because it got me out of school, but I didn't tell them much. I told them I didn't like the school and wanted to transfer. I named a local school around the corner from where I lived. It wasn't the best for qualifications but it was around the corner from home, and it was co-educational. I'd rather have gone to the girls school near my current school but I couldn't tell anybody that. I literally used to dream of going to that school.

I continued to play truant and sleep rough, often working at Lancashire Hygienic Dairies from about 4am for a pound a day which led to me eating well once a day in the cafeteria at Lewis's in the city centre. But then, when that option was shut down, I would survive on milk stolen from peoples doorsteps. Eventually, the social worker visits moved to family visits at home. I still couldn't tell people why I played truant and slept rough. I slept out one last time and things were getting too much for me. I decided to go home, steal some of my sisters clothes and go to London to be me. As I was on my way home, I was caught by a neighbour before I could put any of my plan into action.

The social workers kept visiting the home for visits and what was supposed to be my final session, they asked if there was anything else. I said no, but my mum told them that I liked to dress in my sisters clothes. Arghhh I was mortified. A new appointment was made for me. One I didn't attend. I never saw the social workers ever again. I was embarrassed and didn't want to talk about to anybody.

My truanting gradually dropped off towards my final year in school. I had decided not to sit any exams. I wanted to be away from that awful boys school and the horrible uniform. Qualifications weren't needed in those days when you could walk into a job, or sit an entrance examination.

But had all the experiences above happened now, the chances are, my parents would have been fined, or sent to prison, and I could have ended up in secure accommodation or worse. But in some ways, I'm glad that children now can talk to their families in many cases, or the relevant authorities are becoming more aware of other options so children

If you are under 18 and you have issues around your own feelings over Gender, contact Mermaids or call them on 0344 334 0550 or call Childline on 0800 1111 and don't suffer in silence. There are people who can help.